Curing the Bieber Fever

So, celebrities can make you sick now, for publicity.

I recently had fever. I panicked. Not because I was sick. Because, I didn’t know if it was Bieber-fever. I hear that thing is contagious. And, no! I won’t spell ‘fever’ with a ‘b’ in it, bitches.

After I recovered, the first thing I decide to do was, understand and, if possible, immunize myself against this logic-forsaken ailment.

I came across the following symptoms of Bieber-fever:
1. You stare at that hooker-offspring, Justin Bieber’s pictures & videos emptily, trying to find a reason to like him until you fail miserably and tag your mindless adulation, “love”.

2. You get overly emotional upon hearing the very ‘Bieber’ name & scream, “Justaaaan *sob, sob* OMG! Justaaannn!” Then, defend your thoughtless behavior asking questions like, “Why are you so jealous of Justin Bieber? His voice is like angels singing from heaven.”

3. You get wet, unforeseeably & have a tremendous urge to hear his auto-tuned voice whining, “Baby, baby, baby, ooooh”, endlessly.

4. You get absolute orgasmic pleasure from hearing vague songs like, ‘Somebody to Love’ because such songs make no judgments & makes ugly girls go, “Maybe he IS talking about me!” Because if he said, “I Need Your Love”, then ugly girls immediately know, that the song is not for them.

How to Immunize Yourself of Bieber Fever

Britney Spears.

Justin Bieber is like Britney Spears at her prime. Only lacking everything she seduced the world so hard with. She was the benchmark for all pop-fads - with good reason. Here's why "Britney-fever" is more tolerable than Bieber-fever:
- She had provocative songs.
- A smoking hot body.
- Her voice set a wildfire in the hearts (read loins) of ALL GUYS when she sang, "I'm a slave for you..." She was the first woman ever to make me feel like a white man.

But Justin Bieber is a dumbed down version of Britney (apparently, even she could be dumbed down), minus the smoking hot body, voice & appealing songs.
Here’s a pictorial song comparison of 5 song titles to prove Britney can help you get over Bieber-fever (but, only titles ‘cause, I never paid attention to what Britney was saying. She's a woman. Get it? Lol).

1. Britney Spears – Baby One More Time , Justin Bieber – One Time


2. Britney Spears – Drive Me Crazy , Justin Bieber – Down to Earth


3. Britney Spears – Oops! I Did it Again , Justin Bieber – Overboard

4. Britney Spears – Girl in The Mirror , Justin Bieber – That Should be Me


And, finally…

5. Britney Spears – I’m a Slave For You , Justin Bieber – Pick Me

The "Perfect Guy" Misbelief

I once had the misfortune of reading an article titled "The One"- Requisites '09 - An asinine wish list by some 17-18 yr old chick who suffers from a common condition called: Someday I'll Find True Love. It’s a list of all the traits her dream guy must possess, but that was only for ’09. There's a new one in the making by now.

By the time I finished reading her puke-evoking whims, I was suicidal. Here, share my experience. This is the list of her 39 insatiable “requisites” followed by my response:

#1. Should have a huge list of original compliments handy everytime i say "So,what do you think?"
What makes her think the guy would be listening by the time she reaches "So,what do you think?" Even if he does listen, what makes her so sure that he’ll have compliments? He might want to be honest for once.

#2. Has to be funny. Not slapstick funny but witty funny. Also,cute funny.
This is a desperate attempt to seem less superficial. Her IQ is probably in double digits, so she figured, being around a witty guy should make her seem witty as well. Bravo! You found a way to compensate for idiocy.

#3. Has to have perfect grammar,even when drunk.
Talk about expectations! Guys DO NOT drink to have eloquent conversations, bitch. If he’s drunk around you, chances are, he doesn't give a shit about you; let alone your grammatical needs.

#4. Cannot be emo-ish. Nope.
This one is a bald-faced lie. All girls say it, but never mean it. What she probably means is, a few pussy-boy tears are okay, but no drowning in your sorrow & devil worship stuff.

#5. Has to be passably good-looking. Preferably tanned.
I appreciate the honesty in this one. THIS is the only thing that matters to all girls in the end: Good Looks! (She is just being modest with the word ‘passable’).
And the tanned thing is just a way of saying "you better have those six-pack I’ve seen on hunks in movies".

#6. Charm-lots of it. Also,no Prince Charming with other females.
How fuckin’ stupid is this?! If he has charm - LOTS OF IT!
Why would he waste it on her? Only a moron would piss away such a gift on ONE girl.

#7. Should help eradicate spiders,cockroaches and all things that crawl.
She probably lives in a dungeon. Given the kind of person she is, it’s plausible.

#8. Should call back within 5 seconds of a missedcall. Also,calling up at odd times to 'just talk' will help score brownie points.
Relationships are like game shows to girls. If you can make it through their mind-boggling challenges, you qualify for the next level: Making out (maybe more).
And, missed calls? Really? Romance is good as long as you don’t incur monetary losses, eh, bitch? Fuck you & your brownie points!

#9. Should protect me from balls. Seriously.
I don’t know if the pun was intentional, but I’ll ignore this one for obvious reasons.

#10. Should be up for sitting outside my window going twang twang on the guitar.
It’s one of those ridiculous ideas chicks get from overdosing on romantic comedies. These girls have no self-esteem & are always starving for attention.

#11. MUST LIKE DOGS!!
It's a heads up for the guy about his future in-laws. Know what you’re getting into, perfect guy.

#12. Should be a Once upon a time/ RomCom/ Happily ever after junkie.
What next? Wear make-up & play tea party with her stuffed toys? Maybe a little ballet on weekends...

#13. Shouldn't laugh at my complete awkwardness when in high heels or a skirt.
Why the hell not? If she knows she looks stupid in those, why wear them? Why should any guy suppress his natural urge to laugh at her ridiculous attempt to look slutty...oh, I mean, ‘passably’ good-looking .

#14. No ego! Should respect my ego though
What the fuck is this supposed to mean? A man with no ego is no man at all!
And expecting a man to respect a woman’s ego is like asking him to invest all his savings in Satyam.

#15. No whining about the ex who dumped him. For Pete's sake,I DO NOT RESEMBLE A SHOULDER!
Of course you DO NOT. You resemble a bitch!
A conceited, self-centered, dim-witted bitch to be precise.

#16. Shouldn't call me an idiot if he wants to go home alive.
Truth hurts. Therefore, women like to stay oblivious to the truth.

#17. Shouldn't ask me to sing. No seriously,for his sake
What makes her think he’ll ask her to sing? Once he gets to know her, I bet, his only concern will be to shut her up. Besides, she can please him with tons of other things.

#18. Shouldn't expect girly sensitivity from me.
Manipulating her won’t be easy. The guy will have to step his game up.

#19. Should have the IQ to not take my insults seriously.
Translation: I’ll insult you whenever I feel like it, but you can’t do the same.

#20. Should be as close to a knight in shining armour as possible. WITH the horse
And who’ll she be? A damsel in fuckin’ distress? Deep inside, every girl feels like a princess & thinks some prince charming is waiting to kiss her ass. Fuck that fairytale shit, get real!

#21. Shouldn't bother reading this if he has a 'boy better than girl' complex.
And clearly, she doesn’t have the ‘I’m better than everyone’ complex. Her humble disposition is evident.

#22. Rockstars,take a bow and leave
Her highness doesn't seem to like Rockstars. Too bad nobody cares...

#23. No wannabe-ish behavior.
It’s okay only if she does it. Because that’s the only way she can compensate for her low self-esteem.

#24. Should leave if he thinks I'M immature.
She’s all about maturity alright! This list is a blazing testimony to that fact.

#25. No Aries/Gemini/ Saggi.
How realistic!

#26. Should NEVER agree when i say "I look fat in this dress"
She didn’t think about fitting into the damn dress when she was stuffing herself!
Now, she wants him to lie for all her wrong choices. Classic!

#27.Ooooh. A steady job with a ridiculously high paycheck would be nice.
Spoken like a true gold-digger.

#28. Same for endless topup
With such revelations, all she’ll get now is a guy who can afford top-ups at most.

#29. No hair obsessed narcissist
Don’t worry. With a girlfriend like you, he’ll lose it all pretty soon.

#30. No mush. Or red roses.
This could get dicey. Five years down the line, she’ll complain about this to the shrink saying “He’s not romantic at all... doesn’t even bring me flowers!” Well, boo-hoo, bitch, you asked for it.

#31. Skills in the kitchen will be appreciated.
And what’s she supposed to do all day? Make shitty wish lists like this one?

#32. Should never,under any circumstance categorise me under 'Just another girl'
Some girls don’t like to be held back in life due to their lack of beauty & charisma. They adopt beauty tips from crappy magazines & start feeling appreciated, all by themselves. Then comes coercing a guy into that 'commitment' bullshit. The 'Just another Girl' syndrome follows shortly after such acts of self-deception.

#33. Should be a good listener. Well,should atleast listen to my rants patiently and give lotsa sympathy.
LOL, get lost!

#34. Should know the difference between mauve and purple.
Why? She’ll buy them both anyway!
Does she think the credit-card co. gives a fuck whether her new outfit is mauve or purple?

#35. No 'hmmm'/ 'u-huh' after i've elaborately and painstakingly typed out an essay type reply
So that she can feel less like a droning bitch that wasted her time writing some shit no one cares about.

#36. Shouldn't recommend the psychiatrist after my n number of meltdown.
She’s right. Just kick the bitch outta your life. It’s high time.

#37. Addiction to caffeine is mandatory.
She wants to keep the guy awake for her never-ending ranting sessions. So the “I’m tired, can we do this later…?” excuse won’t work.

#38. Should also be awake at 3am to listen to my crazy rants.
Why would any guy partake in such a disturbing activity? Does she have to make her colossal mental imbalance so obvious?!

#39. The guy with the patience to go through the entire list can now line up.

Top 5 Do’s & Don’ts In A Relationship – For Dudes

You are a dude. And, dudes RULE! But now, you want to be in a relationship for reasons unknown. Well, I’m sure you’ll need help (trust me, you will), so I’m gonna assist you on how to maintain a harmonious relationship, because I think I’m really good at this kinda thing - You'll appreciate my assistance by the end of this blog.

Objective: To establish an awesome relationship where you always have the upper hand.

Remember, it’s not a relationship you’re in, it’s an eligibility test. She wants to find out how good you are, compared to the other losers that are waiting in line to take your place. So you have to seem different from all those other guys who are willing to give her the world.

The trick is simple - Act aloof. Anything bad that happens in your relationship is, at all times, HER fault & never yours - make her realize that every way you can, and you’re there!

Here is an illustrative image that will help you know if you have the upper hand & are progressing with her:

The Don’ts :

5. Never text or call her first. You know you don’t want to talk to her anyway. Why get her started? Why give her the wrong impression that you were thinking of her? Let her feel abandoned. This act of forsaking will add to her hidden insecurities & work to your advantage later.

4. Never compliment her - It takes keen observational abilities, courteousness, effort & creativity. You don’t even know what these mean. You grew up playing barbaric video games! Being Casanova isn’t your game. Besides, she is not that pretty, so why waste your time? Just continue with Assassins Creed II.

3. Never shy away from gawking at other chicks in her presence. No, it’s not the outdated, overused ‘it’ll make her jealous’ gimmick. Do it simply for some eye candy. It’ll make you feel great!

2. Never make her feel “special”. Because she isn’t. You know how many enticing chicks is out there, dude? She should be thankful that you’re even with her, considering what the world has to offer. If she can’t sense your generosity, say it out loud!

1. Never tell her you love her. NEVER! Even if you are awfully drunk. Even if her manipulative ways make you feel mellow & you wanna spill your heart out - DO NOT! It’ll reverse everything you’ve worked for. She’ll get the upper hand. She will have power over you. You don’t want to be dominated, do you? So why risk everything? Stick to the plan.

The Do's :

Pride and Prejudice – Translated For Guys

Disclaimer: This translation is super-naïve & to the best of my understanding. I do not take responsibility for any emotional wreckage one may suffer.

Jane Austen is best known as the creator of the Looney Tunes show. She tried to take her career elsewhere by writing fake-tearjerkers like Pride & Prejudice, but was horsewhipped by an angry mob & was flooded with ‘fan mails’ reading “Stick to the cartoons, bitch!”. Her books, however, got popular with retarded little girls who feign elegance & believe they will find ‘love’ someday (yes, the ugly loners). You have to be a total dullard and devoid of all self-respect to read this book or watch the movie. It's every girls favorite.

Never have I read a story that reeks of desperation more than this.

The Bennet family has five daughters. All opportunistic sluts. Wondering where it comes from? Their mother, who is conveniently a pimp.

New neighbors move in town. Correction: New, FILTHY FUCKIN’ RICH neighbors move in town, with all their filthy fuckin’ richness tucked in their butt crack. So, it’s game time for gold diggers aka the Bennet bitches. Rich folks come in a pair of three. Lame-Casual Dude, his Snooty–Bitch sister, & the gasbag, Fitzwilliam Darcy (Imagine living with that name! Fitzwilliam! lol).

In a This-Is-The-Best-We-Have party (see ball), the pimp mom of the Bennet family eagerly waits for LCD (Lame-Casual Dude) to show up. He makes an Everybody-Stop-Dancing-And-Look-At-Me entrance in the ballroom. Pimp Bennet introduces her eldest daughter to LCD. He falls in love with her IMMEDIATELY! Classic! Darcy does not find any woman in the room bang-able. Therefore, he leaves.

Later, Pimp Bennet makes an elaborate scheme to send her eldest daughter to LCD’s crib. Eldest slut falls sick upon reaching LCD’s crib, as planned. Elizabeth, the female protagonist, second to the eldest daughter, comes to visit her sister at LCDs’. However, her intention is much darker. She actually comes to seduce Darcy because he did not find any women at the ball attractive. Even HER! But LCD’s BS (baby sister) keeps distracting Elizabeth by asking her to run laps around the room, because they had no Internet back then, so running around was the “coolest” thing to do. Darcy admires both ladies on how graceful they look in their miniskirts, to which Elizabeth bemock’s him by saying she wants to put on weight, & Darcy responds “My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.” then winks & sniff’s some cocaine.

The rugged military studs keep visiting the town to hit on maidens. To their surprise, they find the maidens pouncing on them even before they’ve brought out their ace-moves (see how classic this book is?). The Bennet daughters had a slutty duo that always competed on who can surpass the other in terms of slutiness. They never missed an opportunity to hit on a Solider. They find one worthy assface called Weak-Ham. Later Elizabeth meets him to judge whether she should have him herself or leave him for her sisters. Ham tells her an overwhelming story about Darcy & his cruelty where Darcy gave him the finger after his father’s death while he should’ve made him a Clergyman (see Laughing Stock). Thus, Elizabeth gets a new conversation starter with Darcy next time she meets him in her Darcy-seducing endeavors. They meet at a High School graduation party hosted by LCD. There, Darcy “wishes” to dance with Elizabeth. She gives in (Duh!). They dance to Elvis’ ‘Hound dog’ track. Next day, Darcy leaves with LCD & his BS!

But you didn’t think Bennets’ were quitters, did you? The eldest daughter sets out with her GPS to find LCD, because she had already bugged him earlier. And Elizabeth goes to a friend’s crib, who married a dude Elizabeth had once dumped because he wasn’t rich or good looking. There she find’s Darcy, the dunce, who seems more cordial than before. During Elizabeth's stay, one day, Darcy decides to confess his love for Elizabeth, to Elizabeth (Oh, didn’t you know? Darcy is in love with Elizabeth now!). But suddenly Elizabeth hates Darcy, because she finds out Darcy had influenced LCD to leave town because he didn’t find Elizabeth’s sister hot enough for his friend to get married. So Elizabeth gives Darcy the “Kiss My Ass!” attitude. Darcy leaves the same night but leaves a letter for Elizabeth in which he “exposes” Weak-Ham (Apparently, some nude pictures from their childhood).

Then Elizabeth does what women do best – She’s confused! But she’s, most definitely, in love with Darcy, AGAIN! (This story just keeps getting better)

Meanwhile in Gotham city, one of the featherbrain Bennet siblings has eloped with Weak-Ham. Darcy finds them right away, because he’s rich & knows people in high places. Then he uses reverse psychology on her by telling her NOT TO tell Elizabeth about it. She does. As soon as Elizabeth hears it, she has an orgasm. She can’t help herself from admiring Darcy for his “selfless” deed. She now longs to meet him. Darcy the Psychic/Wizard suddenly appears out of thin air with LCD in their living room on the pretext to reunite LCD with the elder hussy. Then gawks at Elizabeth like the ill-bred sleazeball he is. She does the same.

Then they realize they must talk (make love). So Elizabeth walks out to some remote meadow 5000 miles away (she was very fond of walking, you see). Super Darcy flies there too. Then, after a few seconds of cold, sexy stares & non-verbal communication, this happens…

The Diary of Anne Frank – Translated for Guys

Caution: This article contains coarse language & this translation is for straight up beer guzzling, animal hunting, women’s wrestling enjoying stereotypical-men. So girls can read at their own whim.

Note: If you haven’t read this book already, Don’t - It sucks!

It’s one of those World War II “Let’s not escape while we can, but stay in Germany & complain about Hitler’s inhumane reign” stories. It’s about a young girl, 13 at the time, who kept a “secret” diary, which she referred to as Kitty.

The theme of this yawn-inspiring story is, Hitler is at the top of his game & this crybaby Jewish family has to go into hiding just to stay safe – But later gets caught & they die anyway so, good move Jewish dipshits.

The story is in two parts.

Part I:

It’s the morning of Anne’s birthday where some asshole had the brilliant idea of giving this airhead a diary, which she totally filled up with juvenile erotica (Popularly called ‘Puppy Love’).

In the beginning, they're one happy family where Anne has unconditional love for her father & despises her mother completely. She is quite the hip chick at school & every pea-brain wants to bang her & guess what? Like every manipulative bitch of that age (or any age for that matter), she too enjoys that attention to the fullest. Way to go girl!

Part II:

Hitler is enraged, Jews are about to get their ass kicked big time. Anne & her family move to confinement in the attic of her father’s office building with another family, who have a 15-year-old dickhead for a son named Peter.

Anne can't really stand anyone except her father, but later gives him the finger too.

Throughout the story she keeps nagging & complaining about how her life sucks (suck it up bitch!).

Anne’s older sister has hots for this dickwad Peter. Let’s face it, they were gonna be trapped for a long time. Her choices were limited. Somehow, over time, living through all the hardships & semi-nudity, Anne starts to get all hot for this guy too & before you know it, they’re making out. And, being the sweet little girl Anne is, she writes about it to Kitty. There is also a part where she describes her pubescent curiosities from her pre-confinement days which goes something like:

(

Day 1)

Dear Kitty,

I have tits now. I’m not sure how they work. I’d like to discuss it with one of my girlfriends, but I’m afraid it’ll be frowned upon, but hee-hee, I’ll do it anyway at tonights slumber party.

(Day 2)

Dear Kitty,

My friend didn’t let me grope her tits. What a bitch!

I guess all I can do now is read more about adulthood from the erotica's that dad forbids me from reading.

Later, Anne is all over Peter & Peter is all over Anne, literally. Her older sister has turned to ‘miserable bitch’ all thanks to Anne & Anne is secretly happy about it. Finally, Hitler’s Nazi homeboys find the family & take them to military camps where she, her sister & mother die from illness, but somehow her father is the only one who survives.

The actual diary ends abruptly since the family gets caught (bummer), but the publisher gave us more facts on the post capture trauma of Anne’s family because they thought we cared.

Her father came back to the hideout after the war & received this diary from a woman called Miep Gies who had helped shelter this family during their days of incarceration.

Her father reads about his younger daughter’s revelations, sheds some pansy tears & shares this classified info with one of his friends (way to go dad), who gives him the initiative to get it published.

The motherfucking publishers have seized this opportunity over the decades & published this whiney, outdated rebel-teen story with a fascinating name like The Diary of a Young Girl and the unsuspecting perverts around the world fell for it & appreciated it with blasphemy & middle fingers.