I once had the misfortune of reading an article titled "The One"- Requisites '09 - An asinine wish list by some 17-18 yr old chick who suffers from a common condition called: Someday I'll Find True Love. It’s a list of all the traits her dream guy must possess, but that was only for ’09. There's a new one in the making by now.
By the time I finished reading her puke-evoking whims, I was suicidal. Here, share my experience. This is the list of her 39 insatiable “requisites” followed by my response:
What makes her think the guy would be listening by the time she reaches "So,what do you think?" Even if he does listen, what makes her so sure that he’ll have compliments? He might want to be honest for once.
#2. Has to be funny. Not slapstick funny but witty funny. Also,cute funny.
This is a desperate attempt to seem less superficial. Her IQ is probably in double digits, so she figured, being around a witty guy should make her seem witty as well. Bravo! You found a way to compensate for idiocy.
#3. Has to have perfect grammar,even when drunk.
Talk about expectations! Guys DO NOT drink to have eloquent conversations, bitch. If he’s drunk around you, chances are, he doesn't give a shit about you; let alone your grammatical needs.
#4. Cannot be emo-ish. Nope.
This one is a bald-faced lie. All girls say it, but never mean it. What she probably means is, a few pussy-boy tears are okay, but no drowning in your sorrow & devil worship stuff.
#5. Has to be passably good-looking. Preferably tanned.
I appreciate the honesty in this one. THIS is the only thing that matters to all girls in the end: Good Looks! (She is just being modest with the word ‘passable’).
And the tanned thing is just a way of saying "you better have those six-pack I’ve seen on hunks in movies".
#6. Charm-lots of it. Also,no Prince Charming with other females.
How fuckin’ stupid is this?! If he has charm - LOTS OF IT!
Why would he waste it on her? Only a moron would piss away such a gift on ONE girl.
#7. Should help eradicate spiders,cockroaches and all things that crawl.
She probably lives in a dungeon. Given the kind of person she is, it’s plausible.
#8. Should call back within 5 seconds of a missedcall. Also,calling up at odd times to 'just talk' will help score brownie points.
Relationships are like game shows to girls. If you can make it through their mind-boggling challenges, you qualify for the next level: Making out (maybe more).
And, missed calls? Really? Romance is good as long as you don’t incur monetary losses, eh, bitch? Fuck you & your brownie points!
#9. Should protect me from balls. Seriously.
I don’t know if the pun was intentional, but I’ll ignore this one for obvious reasons.
#10. Should be up for sitting outside my window going twang twang on the guitar.
It’s one of those ridiculous ideas chicks get from overdosing on romantic comedies. These girls have no self-esteem & are always starving for attention.
#11. MUST LIKE DOGS!!
It's a heads up for the guy about his future in-laws. Know what you’re getting into, perfect guy.
#12. Should be a Once upon a time/ RomCom/ Happily ever after junkie.
What next? Wear make-up & play tea party with her stuffed toys? Maybe a little ballet on weekends...
#13. Shouldn't laugh at my complete awkwardness when in high heels or a skirt.
Why the hell not? If she knows she looks stupid in those, why wear them? Why should any guy suppress his natural urge to laugh at her ridiculous attempt to look slutty...oh, I mean, ‘passably’ good-looking .
#14. No ego! Should respect my ego though
What the fuck is this supposed to mean? A man with no ego is no man at all!
And expecting a man to respect a woman’s ego is like asking him to invest all his savings in Satyam.
#15. No whining about the ex who dumped him. For Pete's sake,I DO NOT RESEMBLE A SHOULDER!
Of course you DO NOT. You resemble a bitch!
A conceited, self-centered, dim-witted bitch to be precise.
#16. Shouldn't call me an idiot if he wants to go home alive.
Truth hurts. Therefore, women like to stay oblivious to the truth.
#17. Shouldn't ask me to sing. No seriously,for his sake
What makes her think he’ll ask her to sing? Once he gets to know her, I bet, his only concern will be to shut her up. Besides, she can please him with tons of other things.
#18. Shouldn't expect girly sensitivity from me.
Manipulating her won’t be easy. The guy will have to step his game up.
#19. Should have the IQ to not take my insults seriously.
Translation: I’ll insult you whenever I feel like it, but you can’t do the same.
#20. Should be as close to a knight in shining armour as possible. WITH the horse
And who’ll she be? A damsel in fuckin’ distress? Deep inside, every girl feels like a princess & thinks some prince charming is waiting to kiss her ass. Fuck that fairytale shit, get real!
#21. Shouldn't bother reading this if he has a 'boy better than girl' complex.
And clearly, she doesn’t have the ‘I’m better than everyone’ complex. Her humble disposition is evident.
#22. Rockstars,take a bow and leave
Her highness doesn't seem to like Rockstars. Too bad nobody cares...
#23. No wannabe-ish behavior.
It’s okay only if she does it. Because that’s the only way she can compensate for her low self-esteem.
#24. Should leave if he thinks I'M immature.
She’s all about maturity alright! This list is a blazing testimony to that fact.
#25. No Aries/Gemini/ Saggi.
How realistic!
#26. Should NEVER agree when i say "I look fat in this dress"
She didn’t think about fitting into the damn dress when she was stuffing herself!
Now, she wants him to lie for all her wrong choices. Classic!
#27.Ooooh. A steady job with a ridiculously high paycheck would be nice.
Spoken like a true gold-digger.
#28. Same for endless topup
With such revelations, all she’ll get now is a guy who can afford top-ups at most.
#29. No hair obsessed narcissist
Don’t worry. With a girlfriend like you, he’ll lose it all pretty soon.
#30. No mush. Or red roses.
This could get dicey. Five years down the line, she’ll complain about this to the shrink saying “He’s not romantic at all... doesn’t even bring me flowers!” Well, boo-hoo, bitch, you asked for it.
#31. Skills in the kitchen will be appreciated.
And what’s she supposed to do all day? Make shitty wish lists like this one?
#32. Should never,under any circumstance categorise me under 'Just another girl'
Some girls don’t like to be held back in life due to their lack of beauty & charisma. They adopt beauty tips from crappy magazines & start feeling appreciated, all by themselves. Then comes coercing a guy into that 'commitment' bullshit. The 'Just another Girl' syndrome follows shortly after such acts of self-deception.
#33. Should be a good listener. Well,should atleast listen to my rants patiently and give lotsa sympathy.
LOL, get lost!
#34. Should know the difference between mauve and purple.
Why? She’ll buy them both anyway!
Does she think the credit-card co. gives a fuck whether her new outfit is mauve or purple?
#35. No 'hmmm'/ 'u-huh' after i've elaborately and painstakingly typed out an essay type reply
So that she can feel less like a droning bitch that wasted her time writing some shit no one cares about.
#36. Shouldn't recommend the psychiatrist after my n number of meltdown.
She’s right. Just kick the bitch outta your life. It’s high time.
#37. Addiction to caffeine is mandatory.
She wants to keep the guy awake for her never-ending ranting sessions. So the “I’m tired, can we do this later…?” excuse won’t work.
#38. Should also be awake at 3am to listen to my crazy rants.
Why would any guy partake in such a disturbing activity? Does she have to make her colossal mental imbalance so obvious?!
#39. The guy with the patience to go through the entire list can now line up.
